Blame the Loop, Not Each Other

We’ve all been there: a co-worker, boss or spouse approaches you with urgency or big energy. Their tone sharpens and voice elevated with a bend. And without realizing, your eyebrow raises, you feel that surge of heat and you begin to give it back. Your inner voice says, "Did I just hear that right?" You walk away shaking your head and say, "Why do they have to be so difficult ALL THE TIME!"

If this happens frequently with the same individual, spoiler alert — they aren't necessarily a "difficult person", you may be caught in a pattern. I call it the reaction–reaction loop. This is a self-reinforcing cycle where one person’s reactivity fuels the other’s. It’s not about who is right, it’s about the rhythm that takes over.

Some may call it a land mine or trigger, but to me that falls short. It doesn't capture what really happens when someone strikes the wrong nerve and the whole dynamic shifts.

How I First Noticed the Reaction-Reaction Loop

I first recognized this dynamic at home. The day would look like it was winding down, and my hope was to have dinner as a family. But then out of the blue, my husband would take another phone call. Even though he'd say, “I'll be off in just a minute.” I knew it would stretch much longer. Let's just say, he's never met a stranger. So I’d get busy doing something else to fill the gap. By the time he got off the call, he’d notice I was in motion doing something else. No one dared to bother the other, but then we’d end up irritated with each other.

I look for patterns all the time, but somehow missed this one. With support from our therapist, she called out that neither of us is “the problem.” We are simply caught in a loop—his reactivity fueling mine, mine fueling his and so on.

How the Loop Works

This loop can be stealth because it starts in the body, not the brain. One person gets activated, and the other person’s nervous system instantly picks it up—like catching someone else’s yawn. What begins as a small shift in tone or timing quickly becomes a full-blown spiral of irritation. The focus moves away from the actual issue and locks onto the energy between us.

Truth bomb:

• We feel before we think.

• We can easily match someone's big energy without trying.

• We lose content and connection to flustered egos.

  
  

Three Ways to Break the Loop

I have some good news. If you care about the relationship and want the looping to stop, you can learn to interrupt it. Breaking the loop isn’t about willpower or “staying calm.” It’s about using simple, repeatable moves that interrupt the pattern before it takes over. We aren't fixing the other person; we're adjusting the rhythm of interaction. Here's how that works:

1. Notice your body cues for early warning signs. My jaw clenches, heart beats faser and my shoulders get tense. Depending on the intensity, I may start to sweat.

2. Create a pause with a slow, deep inhale and longer exhale. Give it a try. Notice how our rhythm shifts naturally?

3. Co-create the 'slow down'. Say something like, "Can we slow this down together?” or “I notice we’re getting stuck in a fast pace. Do you feel it, too?” Both comments help reset the interaction without anyone feeling called out or blamed.

Honestly, this is a simple hack that creates a safety net to return to connection when things can get a little messy.

Shared Language is Everything

In my three decades of supporting leaders and also being married to the same human, I've learned the real power of disruption comes when more than one person knows how to spot an unhealthy loop. Teams and couples alike can create simple cues that help everyone reset together. It doesn’t need to be complicated or formal—just a shared agreement to name the loop and slow down...together.

Tip: Talk about this relational practice with your partner or team before it's needed.

p.s. Let me know if how this works for you!