Boundaries Don't Have to Be Barricades

Earlier this month, I had the opportunity to work with a group of executive leaders who lead some of the largest organizations in the state of Hawaii. It was like a fireside chat with 12 of my closest friends–except it was the first time I’d met many of them. Within a few short minutes of our gathering, we dug right into our topic: how to set better boundaries.

As we began, I polled the group to see who felt they were effective in setting boundaries and the desire to grow. The majority said, “no” to effectiveness and “yes” to wanting better boundary skills. With that in mind, we went to work.

Boundaries Defined

The path to behavior change begins with a clear definition. In popcorn fashion, we shared our individual definitions for boundaries which included, “a line of demarcation that you don’t cross”, “something that protects you”, “scope creep”, and “areas that are off-limits”. After several minutes of brainstorming, we were most influenced by the Dare to Lead™ definition and decided on: The act of communicating what’s okay, not okay and why.

A healthy boundary gives voice to oppotunity and not just about limits. And when practiced with the right intentions, a boundary does not have to be barricade. It could be a picket fence, instead. Boundaries foster trust because it reflect one’s integrity and says, “I think enough of you and our relationship to be honest.” That’s the stuff that binds not divides.

Barriers to Setting a Boundary

After we clarified a working definition of boundaries, we then explored the myths and barriers to setting boundaries.

The most common thoughts that surfaced were:

• It’s selfish.

• It may be perceived as a sign of disrespect.

• It could burn bridges.

• I will not be liked.

As you might guess, the major barrier to setting boundaries was fear of people. We don’t want to hurt or be hurt by judgment or criticism.

5 Tips to Practicing Better Boundaries

I was so inspired by this group. They shared many examples of how their attempts to set boundaries were either met with disapproval, push back, or oblivion. So, we rolled up our sleeves and identified seven considerations to boost our future effectiveness:

1. Setting boundaries feels vulnerable. Lean in anyway.

2. Remember that a boundary is a form of self-respect and self-love.

3. Start by setting “pea-sized” boundaries and be willing to do it messy. A simple “no thanks" is okay too.

4. Share ‘what’s okay, not okay and why" so that the other person knows their options. Example: “What’s okay is for you to disagree with my perspective. What’s not okay is that you call me bad names because that's degrading and not who I am.”

5. Soft boundaries can be conveyed as a request. Example: “I’m limited on time, can this be done tomorrow?”

Remember boundaries are a teachable skill that takes time and practice. They need to be communicated, otherwise its not really a boundary. People are not mind readers and need your help in knowing how you want to be treated. Not only do boundaries help others give clarity, it demonstrates your self-respect.

On a final note. You will always know if you have missed out on an opportunity to practice boundaries because a knock will come at your door. By avoiding conversations about your needs, you can temporarily escape the uncomfortable feelings of conflict, but the emotions of frustration, burnout or resentment will return for you later.

Always remember, you matter, too.