Why We Fear Incompetence and Why 'Feeling It' Might Be Your Next Leadership Milestone

Let’s be honest. Most of us don’t actually fear failure, we fear looking incompetent.

Failure can be reframed and dressed up as resilience, grit, or a good learning story. But, incompetence? That one lands differently. It whispers (with hand on the hip), You should know this by now. And for leaders, especially the capable, steady, people-rely-on-you kind, that whisper can easily turn into a scream.

For many, competence has felt like the currency of worth. In the mainstream workplace, it builds credibility, earns trust and stability for others. So, when you step into something new, like a bigger role, more complex system or a wider field of responsibility and suddenly realize how much you don’t know…it can feel horrifying.

As I do a quick life scan, I've felt this twice in ways that changed me.

The first was during my Ph.D. journey. I entered thinking I was prepared and left realizing how much there was to see — systems theory, research rigor, organizational complexity and the weight of evidence. There were moments I thought, “How did I get here?” Not because I didn’t belong, but because my awareness expanded faster than my confidence.

The second was when I founded CaPeesh and grew my Leadership Development practice. Building something from scratch: designing learning architecture for individuals and groups, navigating governance conversations, holding executive rooms, integrating trauma-informed work into corporate systems — there were stretches that felt like standing in open air. I had no guardrails like that of a syllabus or rubric. Just straight passion, vision and a hell of a lot of responsibility. Again, the awareness outran the certainty and the wobble was real.

Here's what I've come to understand from those experiences.

It wasn't my competence being tested, it was my expansion being felt.

I was and still am growing vertically.

The Signs and Risk

Early confidence is simple because the map is simple. But, then perception sharpens and you start seeing second and third-order impacts, power dynamics, cultural undercurrents, financial implications and identity shifts. Navigating that feeling of destabilization is when your field just got bigger.

Your nervous system doesn’t like it and reads your current state as risk. So you might feel tight, hyper-aware and vulnerable. That doesn’t mean you’re unqualified; you’re stepping into something that matters but it's going to cost you something.

The real risk is not in 'looking' incompetent. It's structuring your life in a way that avoids feeling exposed. Staying only where you are fluent, leading in rooms where you’re the expert or protecting the image that you've got it all together will determine the size of your life.

Growth can only happens when your capacity has room to receive it. If I can make it plain, the work is to stay regulated long enough for capacity to catch up. The practice is to replace the whisper of doubt, with “There’s enough here; possibly more than I realized. And I'm choosing to lean in.” 

I’ve learned that “feeling incompetent” is often a leadership milestone. It’s the moment awareness outruns skill and identity earns its stretch marks before integration.

And as the world changes quickly and you find yourself feeling that ego-prickling awareness of what you don’t yet know, pause before you panic.

You aren't behind...you’re just in the messy middle of becoming.