Defensiveness: The Sneaky Self-Protector

Defensiveness is one of those sneaky habits that shows up when we least expect it. At its core, it’s a form of self-protection—our brain’s way of saying, “Nope, not today. I don’t want to feel exposed, embarrassed, or hurt.”

Most often, it creeps in when someone has lived under critical leadership or worked in environments where judgment was the norm. The good news? If we keep an eye out for the cues, we can do better—not just in how we communicate, but in how we choose to stay connected.

Here are three classic signs of defensiveness (see if you recognize yourself in any of them 👀):

1. Counterattack ⚔️

Your boss says, “What happened in that meeting today?” and you fire back with, “Well, like always, no one had my back!”

It’s less about the meeting and more about scorekeeping and deflecting.

2. Righteous Indignation 😤

Same scenario, but this time you respond, “I feel like I’m being put on the spot! You were in the meeting—why don’t you tell me what you think happened?”

This knee-jerk “How dare you!” response is a disguise for feeling insulted and possibly embarrassed.

3. Victimhood 😔

Pressed again, you say, “Look, I’m new at this. If someone had actually trained me, I would’ve been better prepared. It’s not my fault!”

Turning tables to avoid shame and offload onto others never turns out well.

Taking Responsibility Back

If any of these sound familiar, check this out. Defensiveness is coping mechanism to feel safe and a sense of control.

If you find yourself defaulting to defensiveness and want to do things differently, start with these tweaks:

• Pay attention to what you think you heard and notice if your body's alarm goes off.

• Ask for clarification if something isn't landing right, instead of assuming worst case scenario.

• If something is out of alignment, give yourself the gift of pause before you respond.

  
  

These little shifts can lower the walls that defensiveness quickly builds up without our intention.

If you’d like to dig deeper into reducing defensiveness and building braver conversations, reach out—let's build that muscle together!